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bodies_in_motionWhat's movement for you right now?
Pointless? A resource? Calming/energizing? Something that costs too many spoons? A distraction? A way of owning your body? Impossible? Preparation for fight or flight? Selfish? Self-care? All of the above? None of the above? Something else completely?
ETA: please feel free to interpret "right now" as widely or narrowly as you want, whether that's "right now" as in "at this point in my life" or as in "in the last couple of weeks, in the face of the US election results and other world events". I was thinking of the latter when I wrote this, but either is valid.
Pointless? A resource? Calming/energizing? Something that costs too many spoons? A distraction? A way of owning your body? Impossible? Preparation for fight or flight? Selfish? Self-care? All of the above? None of the above? Something else completely?
ETA: please feel free to interpret "right now" as widely or narrowly as you want, whether that's "right now" as in "at this point in my life" or as in "in the last couple of weeks, in the face of the US election results and other world events". I was thinking of the latter when I wrote this, but either is valid.
no subject
Date: 2016-11-23 05:04 pm (UTC)Near-impossible due to disarray and inertia. This probably isn't helping the overall noisy disconnection from somatic things I've started getting again.
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Date: 2016-11-27 11:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-11-28 12:26 am (UTC)I'm not sure what you'd prefer, but I'll summarize the (extremely weird) historical context, I guess? Basically, I lost the last year of my life due to being too zetta slow to steer away from a crashy-wall of extreme hormonal dysphoria, during which I wound up barricading myself in virtuality to minimize damage propagation until I could get the hostile chemical barrage fixed from the other side. The last five months or so, then, have prominently featured a rollercoaster of triaging partially-corrupted rubble in/near the “how to interface with the world as myself-in-a-human-body” province of personality-space, including a bunch of re-breaking metaphorical bones that had set wrong. (And then there's the location-related somatosocial deprivation, the major relationship expectation realignment-quakes, the timey-wimey developmental arcs in disorder, the sequential multiplicity memory barrier damage, the chimeraic spiritual duct tape shenanigans…)
The triaging has not gone amazingly well so far: I keep getting torn between avoiding connecting things lest they get reinforced in some subtly wrong configuration, and connecting things to be able to progress at all. (Especially, transition-wise, I'm twitchily averse to binding too hard to my body-as-it-is if it might preclude the body-as-it-should-be image taking hold properly—though that's lessening over time.) Similarly, having to figure out which fragments to try to fix in-place (but would it stick?), or tear down and regrow (in what environment?), or integrate as-is (but maybe retuned and repositioned?), or try to copy corrections of from other sources (which ones can I trust?), or try to recover from past versions of me (which ones?), or who knows what else. So my ability to be me-in-my-body winds up frequently malfunctioning and weak, but very variably so as localized repair decisions flicker and jump erratically—thus “noisy disconnection”. Which then means that attempts to engage in nontrivial movement practice get lost in pits of internal control skirmishes. Which, plus the environment making it super-awkward to get space for that to start with, means that in practice I don't initiate it. Feh. :-/
At least I still have daily short walks, which is slightly better than nothing.
(And I think writing this may have helped clarify things some, so thanks for that.)